Being observed is unnerving..

So two weeks on and I still feel like shit but being back on Sertraline is helping me keep up appearances that I’m coping well.  I feel like I’m experiencing this loss more than my partner, he is seemingly doing okay and keeps telling people we’re “moving forward”.  I still feel like I’m missing a precious part of me and I feel quite lost.  I’ve been trying to avoid social media because everytime I go on facebook someone is posting about their beautiful babies and I feel distraught all over again.  

I went for my first counselling session last week, it was so hard discussing something so personal and raw with a stranger.  He was lovely and very understanding but I ended up talking about things so freely and it made it feel so real again like I was reliving all the emotions and it was painful.  It mafe me realise I’m still trying to deal with this loss.  

I want our baby so much. 

Argh

I think I’m currently in the anger stage of coping. I am very angry that my embryo didn’t stay.  I’m angry that I went through injecting myself daily with progesterone for nothing.  I’m angry for feeling hope and happiness and angry at myself for feeling excited.  

I’m angry that my partner and I are having to go through this when I know we will be excellent parents. We have so much love to give and we are both kind, decent and creative individuals.  

I’m angry that this experience has left me feeling bitter about my friends that are pregnant.  

I know that this will take time for me to heal but I’ve ended up taking three weeks off from work and starting antidepressants again.  I was so proud when I stopped taking them but I know I can’t go through this without extra help. It’s too raw and devastating to keep revisiting in an unhealthy way.  

Today is the first day that I haven’t cried in the toilet, the first time I have felt able to laugh and to talk about this process needing to finish. The sooner the physical reminders of my lods have gone the sooner I feel able to heal on the inside.  Its also the first day my partner and I have been totally alone together it is refreshing to not have people tell me how “strong and resilient” I am and how I will definitely have a baby one day.  I know I am strong, I know I will get through this with my partner at my side. Nobody knows for certain that I will have a baby and the sooner they stop telling me that the better  

We have told a few friends about our miscsrriage and the messages of support from them and yourselves are readsuring and endearing.
Thank you. Xx

My motivation

This little gem is the only thing keeping me going at the moment.  He knows when I need a cuddle and is awesome at making me feel loved. Xxx

Total pain…

I’m in pain..psychologically, physically and spiritually.  My self worth is at an all time low, my anxiety is at its highest and I can feel myself slipping back into a depressive state.

 I have fought depression since the loss of my grandad and best friend three years ago.  I managed to wean myself off medication and develop my own coping methods for grief.  But this sense of loss is like no other, this pain is overwhelming and consuming all my positivity.  I am grieving for my lost opportunity to be a mother, my partner has lost a chance of being a father.  This is cruel.  Why give us a chance and snatch our baby away.  The happiness I felt in that short space of time was life changing.  The loss and pain I’m feeling now is destroying me.

I’m being minded everyday by family to try and keep my spirits up, I want to be with my fiancè.  I want him to comfort me.  He’s busy working.  I feel like I have failed and my family. 

I feel desperately needy, isolated and hateful.  I feel guilty, ashamed, weak and broken.  

Infertility you are winning.  

Bittersweet…

I started spotting blood on Friday I called my clinic and they advised me not to worry.  My world instantly fell apart and I knew I was going to lose this baby.  Sunday I passed a few clots and had fresh blood.  The devastation I am feeling is undescribeable.  I took a pregnancy test last night and this morning and they both say not pregnant. I’m struggling to hold it together and can’t face anyone.  Now I have to wait for my period to begin.  Aftrr a brief two weeks of bliss  I’m back to being an emotional mess.  

When will I get my  baby?